Break Away

This song was in my head all day long so and so I decided to put it here on my blog.

BREAKAWAY
Kelly Clarkson

Grew up in a small town
And when the rain would fall down
I just stared out my window
Dreaming of what could be
And if I'd end up happyI would pray (I would pray)

Trying not to reach out
But when I'd try to speak out
Felt like no one could hear me
Wanted to belong here
But something felt so wrong here
So I pray (I would pray)
I could breakaway

[Chorus:]
I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly
I'll do what it takes til' I touch the sky
I'll make a wish
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway
Out of the darkness and into the sun
But I won't forget all the ones that I loved
I'll take a risk
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway

Wanna feel the warm breeze
Sleep under a palm tree
Feel the rush of the ocean
Get onboard a fast train
Travel on a jet plane, far away (I will)
And breakaway

[Chorus]
Buildings with a hundred floors
Swinging around revolving doors
Maybe I don't know where they'll take me but
Gotta keep moving on, moving on
Fly away, breakawayI'll spread my wings
And I'll learn how to fly
Though it's not easy to tell you goodbye
I gotta take a risk
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway
Out of the darkness and into the sun
But I won't forget the place I come from
I gotta take a riskTake a chance
Make a change
And breakaway, breakaway, breakaway

Fear Factor

I was watching my ultimate favorite T.V. show C.S.I. Miami (Crime Scene Investigation) and one of the dialogues used by one of the characters shed light on why I stick to men that seem to have issues.

The girl was a reformed meth user who has a husband that's still an addict and beats her up. When Horacio Caine (CSI Miami head guy) asked her why she's still with him she said "In a way, me taking care of him keeps me clean and stay off the meth...." she was afraid that if she separated from her husband, she'll struggle to stay clean.

I would say that I'm like that girl. Eventhough I know that the guy is no good for me I still try hard to keep the relationship normal and functioning (whatever that is....) Since I KNOW I live alone (aside from my two dogs that is) I'm afraid to actually feel it creep in slowly and if I don't have a significant other (even if some are not entiltled to be called using that term) i know i'll have lots of idle time and feel even more depressed. Having a guy around, even if he's a mental case and is more emotional than me, takes my mind off things and allows the voices in my head to stay quiet and lie low for a few quiet moments. You ask why this is so? Because somehow guys suddenly need nurturing when they're with a girlfriend eventhough they're perfectly capable of self-preservation when they're on their own (not speaking in general, just from past experience). Their jealous natures divert your attention and of course companionship is a given. That is if you can take and get used to the on and off fights and possessive nature of your nutcase-occasional jerk-tactless boyfriend.

Im so used to having my loud brothers, crazy sister, wacky father and equally loud mother around that when the noise was gone, I actually began to miss it. Now, I can't believe I have gotten so used to the quiet that a mere sound startles me (for example: When I sleep, it's a deep sleep but when someone's at the door or if my dogs bark, I wake up easily........but come to think of it, I sometimes have difficulty waking up at the sound of my alarm clock. LOL. I'm a walking antithesis of myself). I even get spooked when the house is quiet then a wind blows and i see the curtain move at the corner of my eye (damn peripheral vision!)

My bestfriend's sister believes a woman can stand alone and be happy without a man by her side. I believe that's possible. As for me I like to have someone to love and someone who'll also love me in return......someone who'll be my companion, be the one that has my back covered like i do for him and all that mushy and serious, good stuff on what a relationship is all about.

I have already come to realize and accept that as I'm growing older, I become more afraid of being alone. I fear even the slightest thought of it. But somehow accepting and admitting to myself that I have this fear also allows me to deal with if not conquer it.

Two Faces of Anger and Hate

I ate breakfast at Jollibee yesterday morning and got a free newspaper. since it's not always that i get to read the daily news, i flipped thru the sections and browsed on what's interesting to read and catch up with what's happening around me.

saw the oh so fabulous and glamorous dresses worn by the hollywood actresses on a certain awards thingy (forgot what is was).......found out that the government's budget deficit has actually decreased by three billion (this reminded me of class discussions that i had at the isolated Public Administration Building at UP).........and another gruesome beheading of an American construction worker (if i remember it right) at Iraq.

After a very tiring bus ride (which is what my commute is always like), i got home and as usual flopped on the sofa and surfed thru the cable channels. luckily i caught Anger Management starring Adam Sandler. my face was all crumpled up when the movie started (coz i was tired but still cant sleep) but by the time the movie ended i was laughing my ass off and I was alone! the movie might have been lame for some other peeps but i found it very funny, entertaining and it actually has a lesson that we all can learn which is not to use and abuse people to gain more in life (which is best played by Adam's idiotic boss who sits all day at the office and let's Adam create the entire fashion line for the chubby cat Meatball) and to not let people use and abuse you for their own advantage. "Otherwise you'll turn into the implosive cashier who shoots everybody at the bank"...... hahahaha! Jack Nicholson aka Buddy - the Anger Specialist couldn't have said it any better!

After the movie, I went to my room and tried to solve that day's crossword puzzle (which ended up in vain). while i was thinking of synonyms, a thought crept into me. I was thinking that the beheading of the American and the movie Anger Management display the two faces of anger and hate.......the former is a grimmer face which makes you wonder what happened for things to be like this.....I mean we live on the same planet, breathe the same air and basically have the same creator but why do we treat each other this way? Why is it that no matter how hard we try to be kind and considerate to our fellowmen we end up destroying and brutalizing each other? Whoever can answer this question please tell me because I can't figure out for the life of me why this happens.

On the other hand, the latter tackles a lighter side and offers us hope......strength.....and a silver lining (as the cliche goes) telling us that anger and hate can be dealt with - that no matter how imperfect we are as human beings, we manage to overcome the odds inspite and despite of us being imperfect. Yes there are times that we homosapiens antagonize each other but we also are capable of coming together and agreeing towards one goal (localized example: EDSA People Power).

I find it amazing and I consider myself lucky that we live in a world that displays both faces of anger and hate. To me, it's a way for our Creator to tell us that bad and good, pure and evil can and does co-exist no matter where you go. You can never escape the bad but you'll still experience something good in your entire lifetime. We have the option to choose which one we follow.

FREE WILL...isn't this our main trait that makes us human? It's one of the factors that makes you who you are (aside from the genes and all), what kind of beliefs and principles you have, makes you decide if you want to eat pizza or veggies (ok, ok, lame example but catch my drift?)

Since God did not create man to have only the same way of thinking it is given that we'll disagree and fight each other. Then you ask, if God knows (and we know he is All-Knowing) that this will happen, why did He choose for us to have free will? My answer to that is simple.....God loves us unconditionally but wants us to learn from our mistakes and dust ourselves off after the fall. Even if he knows we'll hurt each other because of free will he also knows that free will lets us
have second thoughts and stop before we act thus avoiding potential damage (this might not happen always but it is experienced by most people).

For now, I leave those for today's ramblings. Time for me to head on home and see what thought creeps into my head this time.

Oh Happy Days!

ayt....after ranting about a backstabber friend, i think its also fair that i dedicate this days thoughts and ramblings about friends that have been good to me. a special holler goes out to my sis em. :-) this girl gave me a great-bad ass-wonderful birthday gift. she took me out to the spa.
the place was really nice! we went into the jacuzzi, got a steam bath in a contraption that looked like a big "plato container"........you know....the one with transparent doors.......i cant describe it well enough. but yeah we had that and we got the massage. oh man! the girl who massaged me really made me ache after (but in a good way.......im masochistic i guess or have high tolerance for pain). she knocked out all the hard lumps on my back that was caused by stress and the cold air at the office. i was ooh-ing and ahhh-ing because i was in pain and pleasure all at the same time. i was telling em that i kinda had an involuntary muscle reflex when she massaged my butt! LOL.

the spa was really one hella of a treat coz i dont even treat myself like that! i can never have enough of thanking em and she kept saying that i dont have to thank her. leave it to that girl to be soooooo used to thinking that whatever she does is just ordinary and she doesnt need thanks.
but i still thanked her endlessly though hehehehehe........

my officemates greeted me a VERY VERY loud happy birthday hahahahaha! it was really sweet of them to do that. makes me miss my family even more. haze gave me a wallet for my birthday (the one i was supposed to buy from her). it was nice of her to give it to me as a present. my bestfriends from highschool also took their time to greet me. Ching called me all the way from Australia and that also is a great gift in itself. i learned from past experience that overseas calls are not cheap! Shy also called me up from her work and that's sooo sweet of her because it was her lunch time but she made sure she called me first before she ate (and THAT'S a big deal because when me and her eat, we dont talk to each other.......we concentrate on the food! hehehehe). Although some also forgot or didnt have the time to call me. im not really mad coz these two are Gyem and Chingbee - also highschool bestfriends/soulmates/kumare's/etc.etc. Both have kids and hubbies so thats enough for me to understand why they werent able to call. I'm also guilty of forgetting coz i have difficulty remembering dates. Although i am gonna pretend that im mad when they do remember harharharhar........

Me, em and my highschool friends are gonna go out clubbin tonight! Shy's bday was on the 16th - a day after my bday so this night out is going to be a double celebration in a way. i hope the crowd in Club V will be alive and in a good party mood. if not, em is gonna take out to Sibil where hot men can be found! LOL. i think this weekend is gonna be fun!

Plot and Lies

Ever felt the pang of being backstabbed? hurts don't it? or more appropriately it makes you want to lay out your plan for vengeance right?

as soon as i realized the wonderful phase of socializing, i can say that i've been blessed with true-pinch yourself as if you are in a dream- sincere-good-natured-wacky (in a good way) friends. i dont really have a big network of friends but i am proud to say the small circle that i have been tried and tested. i've been with them good or bad. they've accepted me for my shortcomings, stupidity (specially when it comes to men), and stubborness (again with men); reprimanded me for my mistakes without trampling upon my self-respect and making me feel dumb and most important of all, they have loved me thru all this - unconditionally is actually an understatement.

so from all of what i just said, if someone you trust and whom you treated as a TRUE friend backstabs you how would you feel? how would you even react? or for that matter, how are you supposed to act or react after you know you have a snake as a friend?!?!?!? would you confront the "traitor"? as for me it literally felt like a stab thru my gut. when i found out i started denying it, then i started getting mad, went berserk enough to punch somebody and then slumped to disbelief. i didnt even confront or ask if what i heard was true.......maybe because I DO KNOW that this person is indeed spreading lies about me.

sometimes or rather most of the time you think you already know somebody. then you see a sliver of their true self and you either 1. ask why it took you so long to find out; 2. are you that stupid to not notice the signs? or 3. you can't believe that this is the SAME friend that you're seeing.

Being backstabbed is even worse than being cursed at or called names..........its even a lot worse when a friend is the one that's backstabbing you. at least people who say sh*t straight to your face are honest.........eventhough it's not exactly considered etiquette and you wish that the earth will swallow them, they are voicing out what they truly feel and think about you. No matter what people say....... regardless of all the trash that is said behind a person's back - friend or no friend......

AT THE END OF THE DAY, THE TRUTH WILL STILL BE THE TRUTH AND LIES WILL STILL BE LIES.